


Just Try to See This Through

by CaptainDean13



Series: Two Steps From Salvation [1]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Bad Parent Sheriff Stilinski, Gen, Hurt Stiles, Kidnapping, Scott McCall is a Bad Friend, Stiles is Pushed Out of the Pack, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-05-05 15:30:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14621640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainDean13/pseuds/CaptainDean13
Summary: Stiles cannot change himself to make others like him.  There is something fundamentally wrong with him that makes him an outsider to every situation.  Stiles accepts this truth and makes the decision to never let others see how much it affects him.  He will absorb all the insults and hurtful commentary, shove the pain down into a small secret corner of himself and present a confident face to the world.





	Just Try to See This Through

**Author's Note:**

> A few notes to start this one
> 
> If you haven't seen Teen Wolf (or read enough fic to know canon pretty well) you are probably going to get lost... sorry :/ I didn't want to rehash everything that happened on the show, so I mostly expanded the portions where there was a key emotional twist happening to Stiles or I veered away from canon. 
> 
> I added the rape/non-con warning because while not descriptive I do portray Malia and Stiles's relationship as abusive. While it is not necessarily non-con, Stiles's head is definitely not in a good place and his reasoning is questionable. So I tagged it just to be on the safe side.
> 
> Un-beta'd but I did edit it several times....
> 
> Series title, story title and the lyrics within are all from Staind's [ Pardon Me ](https://youtu.be/U5C92CCx4b0)

~~~~~  
_Pardon me if I can’t listen to the things you say_  
~~~~~

Stiles is six the first time he realizes that people don’t like him. He spends the week after that initial realization trying to identify why this is. For the first time he listens to the insults and taunts of his classmates. He listens to the conversations of the adults around him. At the end of the week he collects his research and draws his conclusions.

All the evidence points to the reason people dislike him being because he is too. Too loud. Too talkative. Too energetic. Too prone to rambling about asinine subjects. Too spastic in his movements. Just too.

So Stiles decides to change. To reign himself in and try to imitate the behavior of his more accepted peers. This lasts for two horrible weeks. Stiles tries his hardest, but not speaking means everything gets trapped up in his head. His mind is going too fast and it feels like if Stiles doesn’t let it out his brains will melt out his ears. Stiles is fairly certain that won’t improve his popularity any, so he breaks that condition first. He tries to keep his comments, excessive as they may be, directed toward the topic at hand though.

Then Stiles starts to slip on his physical conditions as well. The harder he tries to stay still the more he feels like he is vibrating in place. Despite his focus, his grace doesn’t improve at all. He still trips on nothing, still knocks over or drops anything in his immediate vicinity.

At the end of two weeks Stiles realizes the second truth that will shape his future: no one cares. He has put his best efforts into fitting the mold he is constantly mocked for breaking. Not one person has noticed. He is no more accepted than he was before. And so Stiles makes a defining decision.

He creates his mask.

Stiles cannot change himself to make others like him. There is something fundamentally wrong with him that makes him an outsider to every situation. Stiles accepts this truth and makes the decision to never let others see how much it affects him. He will absorb all the insults and hurtful commentary, shove the pain down into a small secret corner of himself and present a confident face to the world.

~~~~~~  
_Three steps from redemption, four from the devil’s door  
On a path that leads to you_  
~~~~~

When Stiles meets Scott two years later, it takes weeks for him to believe that Scott legitimately wants to be his friend. He keeps waiting for Scott to realize that tying himself to Stiles is a sure-fire way to make himself an outcast. Then Stiles starts to observe and realizes Scott is already ostracized by benefit of his asthma. The other kids don’t want to play with the boy who can’t keep up with them. This makes no sense to Stiles - Scott can do everything everyone else does, he just has to take it a little slower sometimes. Stiles and Scott never let it stop them from doing what they want. Stiles starts carrying at least one extra inhaler with him at all times. He slowly starts to realize that just as he doesn’t mind what makes Scott different, Scott actually seems to enjoy all the things that make Stiles who he is. With that simple act of acceptance Scott earns Stiles’s utter loyalty and friendship. Stiles barely manages to spare a thought that it is lucky Scott is a good enough person to deserve it.

~~~~~  
_Pardon me if I can’t fake it while you still believe_  
~~~~~

Stiles perfects his mask when his mother gets sick. His parents try to shield him from the truth, but Stiles has been ferreting out harsh realities since he was old enough to understand the concept of a lie. Stiles gives himself three days after he realizes his mom - the one person who has never, ever made him feel like a burden or hassle - is going to leave him. Three days to act out, to try and accept the unfathomable impending loss, to rage at the unfairness of the universe. 

At the end of his three days Stiles retreats into himself. He resolves to be as good a son as he possibly can. He helps his mom on her bad days. He keeps his head down at school so his dad isn’t forced to deal with detentions and teacher conferences. When his mom goes into the hospital Stiles goes to sit with her whenever the nurses let him in. He absorbs the words she hurls at him - monster, abomination, murderer. Stiles explains away the bruises he gets from her as his normal clumsiness. 

His mask nearly slips the day Melissa walks in to find Stiles on the floor, split lip bleeding from the backhand that sent him sprawling while his mom mutters about taking care of the monster for good. Melissa sedates his mom and coaxes Stiles onto a bed so she can check his lip. Stiles looks into her compassionate eyes, dark with worry for him, and nearly cracks. Instead he shoves the hurt back in it’s corner and tells her he knows his mom doesn’t mean it. That he didn’t tell anyone because he was afraid they would make him stay away. Melissa sweeps him up into a hug and lets him cling to her and manages to earn a spot in Stiles’s heart right alongside her son.

Melissa talks to his dad and they determine it is best if Stiles only visits when his dad does or when Melissa is on shift. Stiles doesn’t argue the restrictions. He can see how stressed his dad is. His dad has been working extra shifts - both to cover the bills piling up and as a way to avoid the situation. When is dad is not working he is focused on his mom. Stiles understands. He knows they need the money and he knows his dad wants to spend as much time with his mom as he can before she is gone. But sometimes Stiles wishes his dad could see just how much Stiles needs him too. 

His dad is at work when his mom dies. Stiles is only there because Melissa is working that night. She is the one to dash into the room only to find Stiles sobbing as he clings to his mom’s hand. Melissa gently pries him off his mom and hugs him tight, murmuring soothing words Stiles can’t acknowledge as his world falls apart.

Eventually Melissa leads Stiles to the waiting room and tells him his dad is on his way. Stiles curls in the chair and lets himself cry. When his dad rushes through the front door Stiles is too upset to hide behind his mask. He breaks into fresh sobs when his dad sees him and reaches out, begging his dad to comfort him. The action is overlooked as his dad instead heads towards his mom’s room without a second glance at Stiles. Stiles stares at the door his dad just disappeared through and then slowly lowers his outstretched arms and wraps them around himself instead. He doesn’t know how long he sits there sobbing into his knees before he cries himself to sleep.

The week before the funeral, time warps for Stiles. His dad doesn’t acknowledge Stiles for any of it, drowning himself in whiskey. Stiles does his best to stay out of the way, hiding in his room anytime his dad is in the house.

Two days before the funeral Stiles’s uncle finally manages to get emergency family leave and shows up at two in the morning. Stiles hears him come in the door and before he can think he is racing silently down the stairs. He barrels straight into his uncle, burying his face in his uncle’s stomach and sobbing silently. His uncle immediately drops his bag and wraps his arms around Stiles. He doesn’t say anything, just lets Stiles cry while he gently runs a hand through Stiles’s hair. His uncle lets Stiles cry himself out before cleaning Stiles’s face and sending him to bed. Stiles climbs the stairs, but pauses as he hears his uncle swear at finding Stiles’s dad passed out on the couch, bottles littering the floor. When he hears the clink of bottles as his uncle begins cleaning, Stiles continues onto the safety of his room.

Stiles spends the day before the funeral with his uncle. They go to the preserve and wander. His uncle lets Stiles dart between whatever captures his interest and study each item for as long as he wants. For the first time in months Stiles lets the weight of his mask disappear and revels in the focused, loving attention of his uncle.

It is his uncle and Scott that get Stiles through the funeral. Scott stands next to Stiles, clinging to his hand. His uncle stands right behind Stiles, supporting Stiles when he sways under the magnitude of loss staring at him. 

His uncle has to leave a few hours after the funeral. He hugs Stiles tight before handing him a slip of paper with three phone numbers printed on it in his uncle’s careful script. His uncle tells him to call any of the numbers if Stiles ever needs him. Someone will make sure his uncle gets the message. Stiles nods his understanding, hoping his gratitude is evident without being spoken. If he opens his mouth now, Stiles is afraid he will beg his uncle not to leave him.

The next several months are some of the darkest of Stiles’s life. His dad spirals. He works as often as they let him and drinks himself stupid whenever he is home. Stiles sneaks onto his dad’s computer and spends hours teaching himself how to do all the necessary household chores his dad has completely abandoned. The one he can’t quite figure out is cooking, and after one disastrous attempt - his dad never even noticed the scorch marks - Stiles shyly asks Melissa to teach him. She agrees easily and over the next several weeks Melissa carves out time to teach Stiles, and by extension Scott, the basics of cooking.

One night, after months of ignoring Stiles, his dad catches him trying to sneak some food out of the kitchen and back to his room. His dad starts to beret him, blaming Stiles for his mom’s death and lamenting the fact that he is now responsible for raising the one ruining his life. The words Stiles can handle, locking them in the deepest reaches of his heart, but then his dad heaves the bottle in his direction. Stiles manages to duck, but the impact shatters the bottle and the falling shards catch Stiles. He stares blankly at the cuts littering his arms and feels the slow trickle of blood from the ones on his face. Movement in his peripheral shocks him into motion and Stiles bolts. He locks himself, bleeding and sobbing, into the hall closet, wondering why he is cursed to be broken and unlovable. Stiles blocks out the pleading of his dad from the other side of the door and eventually falls asleep. 

The incident is enough to snap his dad from his free fall. When Stiles crawls out of the closet the next morning, his dad is pouring all the alcohol in the house down the sink. His dad gently helps Stiles clean the cuts and promises to be better. He keeps that promise - cuts back his shifts, stops drinking and makes time to spend with Stiles. His dad doesn’t seem to notice all the things Stiles is still doing to keep the house going, but Stiles doesn’t need recognition. He needs to keep his dad safe and healthy. Stiles refuses to lose another parent now that he has his dad back. Things settled into a new rhythm and Stiles finds a new baseline for normal.

Life went on. 

~~~~~  
_I’m one step from a breakdown, two steps from being safe_  
~~~~~

Stiles doesn’t expect his whole world to change the night he drags Scott into the woods to search for a body. He gets frustrated when Scott refuses to even listen to him about all the research he’s done. And then Scott throws him up against the wall and pulls his arm back and Stiles resigns himself to his destiny of being hurt by the ones he loves.

Scott doesn’t hit him, but he abandons Stiles and ignores his warnings.

Over the following weeks Stiles’s world starts to crumble. He is afraid of Scott, in a way he never anticipated being. The long held trust between them is stretched thin and as Scott starts pulling ever farther from Stiles and into the realms of the popular crowd, Stiles is left to wonder if Scott was only ever his friend due to a lack of better options. But Stiles is loyal to the only friend he’s ever had, keeps trying to help even when Scott seems more interested in reaping the benefits of being a werewolf and ignoring the very real danger that is suddenly a part of their lives. 

Trying to keep everyone as safe as possible, Stiles hides the truth from his dad. The hard won bonds forged after his mom’s death waver as his dad grows increasingly irritated with Stiles. 

And then there is Derek. Stiles truly believes he is trying to help Scott in his own dysfunctional way. That desire to aid doesn’t appear to extend to Stiles, despite Stiles doing his best to help Derek. He learns to expect a certain amount of physical pain whenever Derek is around.

Stiles hopes that someone will come for him when Peter takes him from the dance. Jackson knows something is going on and surely someone will notice he is missing. Instead he helps Peter to locate Derek. Stiles realizes that Scott is out looking for Derek instead of him when Peter hears the howl. Peter offers him the bite… and then shocks Stiles by respecting his wishes and leaves him human and unharmed. It makes it harder to kill him, but Peter was too far gone to be saved, Then it is over and Derek is the alpha and Stiles just hopes things will calm down. 

But Derek and his betas seem to delight in tormenting Stiles. Erica in particular seems to forget he is not a werewolf and is therefore more breakable. It doesn’t keep Stiles from doing his best to help with the kanima situation. The night at the pool he pushes past all his limits in an effort to keep both Derek and himself alive, his bond with Scott fracturing further when his friend can’t even let Stiles fully ask for help before rejecting him. 

When Matt attacks them at the station Stiles is sure it will be the end of the lying. Either he or his dad won’t make it out of this, or his dad will see something. Instead Melissa leaves knowing the truth and Stiles gains new nightmares about lying helpless as his dad is attacked.

Unlike when Peter took him, when Gerard kidnaps Stiles from the field Stiles is positive someone will come for him. The wolves know Gerard is planning something, they will see that Stiles is gone and come after. When he sees Erica and Boyd, Stiles is both horrified and relieved. He hates what is being done to them and fears what it means for himself, but when the others come they can rescue the betas along with Stiles. He just has to hold out long enough for the calvary to arrive.

That turns out to be a more difficult task than Stiles anticipates. Gerard begins with taunts and threats but Stiles is well practiced in absorbing those and they have little effect. Even the first physical attacks are fine - Erica hits him harder than this on a regular basis. Gerard can tell that Stiles isn’t fazed and he gets angry… and creative. He says something about a time constraint, but Stiles can’t focus enough through the electricity coursing through him to understand. Kives are the next to come into play. Even in his insanity Gerard clearly knows what he is doing as he creates the messy wounds - wounds that look terrible and feel worse, but are not life- threatening.

Gerard leaves not long after that. Stiles drags himself upward and slowly makes his way to the control for the current keeping Erica and Boyd restrained. The rescue team is taking longer than anticipated and Stiles is going to act while he has the chance. As soon as the electricity is off Boyd is shifting, ripping out of his restraints and cutting Erica loose. 

The three quickly and quietly make their way out of the house, Boyd’s strong hand keeping Stiles upright and moving. Stiles convinces them to go to the school where Erica insists on breaking into the nurse’s office. The betas help Stiles dress his wounds, Boyd’s steady hands stitch and wrap the worst of the cuts while Erica smooths gel over the burns. They are still leaving Beacon Hills and Stiles appreciates this last gesture of kindness before they escape the nightmare their quiet town has become. He thanks both of them and wishes them happiness wherever they end up. 

Stiles goes to the locker room to retrieve his things. Checking his phone as soon as he pulls it from his locker he sees a variety of missed calls from his dad and numerous texts from Scott. Stiles literally cannot process the fact that all the texts from Scott are about Jackson - Scott hasn’t noticed he is gone. So he ignores it in favor of listening to his dad’s ever more frantic voicemails. Stiles rushes through getting dressed, gasping at the pain, and runs to his jeep. 

He gets home and slowly climbs the stairs listening to the end of his dad’s conversation. Stiles reassures his dad that he is fine and feeds him some story about the other team. He can see his dad doesn’t believe him and knows half the fury his dad portrays is directed at Stiles. Stiles refuses to drag his dad into the horror of his life now, however, and keeps his mouth shut.

Stiles wishes he was more surprised when he learns that Scott was working with Gerard the whole time. Instead he just climbs back in his jeep and goes home. No one notices. They all have other concerns. 

~~~~~  
_I’m one step from forgiveness and two steps from my grave_  
~~~~~

So it continues. The Alpha pack, the darach, the nogitsune, the dead pool, Kate. Stiles keeps himself going through all of them. Always overlooked, always putting on a front, Stiles manages to do his best to keep his pack alive… even when they didn’t consider him pack at all. God, how Stiles wanted to be accepted, to be wanted. He lets Malia use him. Lets her hurt him and use his body. He ignores the sick feeling that overtakes him once she is finished each time and accepts it as his punishment for all the pain and horror he has caused. Pretends to himself and everyone else that he is fine with being held at arm's length from everyone in his life. After everything that happened he is just thrilled they let him stick around. 

And then Theo. Stiles can’t understand why Scott trusts Theo so much and yet can’t trust Stiles. After Donovan Stiles can feel himself breaking. So many parts barely holding together. He can’t tell Scott, can’t tell his dad, can’t let himself trust that they won’t shatter the last remaining threads of control he has. When Scott confronts him with the wrench Stiles can see he has already made up his mind. Still he tries, begging Scott to understand. That Stiles did what he had to, that it was self defense and he didn’t mean to kill Donovan but didn’t want to die. And when Scott turns from him to go to Theo, tells him he is no longer welcome in the pack, abandoning Stiles just when Stiles needed him the most, Stiles wonders why he even bothered. If Donovan had killed him everything would be easier. No one would have to put up with Stiles anymore and Stiles… well Stiles wouldn’t have to worry about anything anymore. 

Stiles slowly climbs back in the jeep and contemplates following Scott’s advice - telling his dad and being punished according to the system. But the thought of his dad turning from him as well has his mask finally shattering, trickling to the ground like so much broken glass. 

Stiles breaks.

~~~~~  
_Pardon me while I just turn my back and walk away_  
~~~~~

He runs.

Stiles just starts driving east. He doesn’t have a clear direction in mind, only knows he has to get away. He drives until the emotions grow to be too much. Then he pulls over and sobs into the steering wheel, screaming and beating the dash until he exhausts himself. Stiles leans the seat back and surrenders to sleep hoping to gain a few hours of oblivion. In truth he only manages about two. After that he slowly starts driving again, just trying to put distance between himself and the place that no longer means home. A few hours from the border Stiles stops to get gas and something to eat. He isn’t hungry but knows that he needs something to keep himself going. Stiles pulls out his card to pay for the gas and considers it. He doesn’t expect anyone to even realize he is gone, much less try to find him but on the off chance they do he doesn’t want to be followed. Stiles puts the card in and fills the tank of the jeep. Walking into the station, he loads up a basket with food that will keep and water. After paying for everything he stops at the atm located in the back of the station and pulls as much cash out as he can. Loading everything into the jeep Stiles tosses the card out the window and heads off. 

Somewhere in Nevada the jeep quits and despite his best efforts Stiles cannot get his baby running again. He considers it for a minute and then shrugs. Might as well give up this easily traced item as well. Stiles loads as much food into his backpack as he is able and starts walking, leaving the keys in the jeep. If someone wants it, they can figure out how to get it back into town. 

Several hours later, as he is curled into a small hollow he dug in the sand trying to get some sleep, Stiles realizes that this might have been the stupidest thing he has ever done. Which is saying something. He thinks that maybe he should leave it up to fate. Lord knows he has lost count of how many times he has almost died over the last couple of years. Maybe… maybe it was time to stop fighting it. To just let the cards fall as they will. 

Stiles slowly makes his way across the country. It gets colder as the days go by, winter drawing closer. He enjoys watching the scenery change as he heads east, through the mountains in Colorado and the fields of Kansas. He slips into rest stops and gas stations, cleaning up when he can and stretching food. It is easy to do since he never really wants to eat. 

It isn’t until he reaches New York that Stiles realizes where he is going. As soon as he does Stiles stops. He spends four days camped out in the same little clearing debating his options. One the one hand he can turn around and head somewhere else. But Stiles is tired. Tired of everything really. He knows that if he turns around now he won’t make it through the winter. And despite everything Stiles doesn’t really want to die. So he grabs his meager belongings and heads towards his last hope of redemption. 

It isn’t hard to get into the city. Once on the streets he simply fades into the background as yet another homeless man. Stiles works his way through the streets until he reaches the address and stares up at the building. He tries to make himself hit the buzzer but can’t bring himself to press it. Instead he puts his back to the wall and slides slowly down to sit in the corner formed by the wall and the steps up to the door. Huddling into his jacket, Stiles leans his head against the wall and closes his eyes.

~~~~~  
_I’m two steps from salvation but I’m only taking one_  
~~~~~

**Author's Note:**

> First I just need to say that I love Noah Stilinski. Seriously writing this was painful. I think he is a great parent and a good man and portraying him this way was rough. But he needed to be written this way for the story to move the way I wanted it too. I guess I could have killed him off instead but then there is no chance for him to get redeemed later! Anywho....
> 
> I decided to play around with a different writing style with this story. It is definitely outside my comfort zone but I wanted to push myself a little and I am actually pretty happy with the results. Let me know how you think it came out in the comments - honest feedback is how I grow :)
> 
> The rest of the works in this series will not be this style most likely (the second one definitely won't be - I already have a good chunk of that written and it is in my usual style). However, I see this story as almost a prequel to the rest of the series - it is necessary for you to really understand where Stiles is at emotionally for the rest of the series. I think this writing style gave the most impact towards that end by forcing you to see the situation only through Stiles's jaded view.
> 
> Come visit me or chat on [ tumblr ](https://captaindean13.tumblr.com/) :)


End file.
